'She really loves herself' Letting go of judgement to love all that we are

This week I want to consider the ways that we learn to outsource approval & the impact this has on our self-esteem & our ability to step into our power & our full potential.

So often this outsourcing of approval starts when we are young & it’s all too often grounded in the ways we hear other women spoken about. I really hate to hear 'Wow, she really loves herself’ because it’s such a judgement-laden comment oozing with disapproval for stepping out of the boundaries of outsourced approval. It implies that a woman who loves herself is

• Vain

• Selfish

• Self-centred

When I was a kid & I heard grown-ups talking like this I remember internally vowing that I would not grow up to be this kind of woman. I so wanted to keep myself safe from damning disapproval that I vowed that I would always try to be helpful & kind & selfless & I would not be trying to draw attention to myself. So, to keep myself safe from this threat of disapproval I clipped & clamped down my capacity to love myself & moulded myself into what felt like a space of safety – learning to say the right things to be kind & helpful; to consider other people’s needs before my own & to even deny & eventually stop noticing that I even had needs myself. I learned that to stay it was best to blend into the background.

Another damning comment I often hear - ‘Self-praise is no praise’ taught me that noticing our own worth is

• Vain

• Shallow

• Self-obsessed

So sad that our capacity to be able to love & give ourselves praise should be so shrouded in disapproval & that each word directs the listener to either feel shame within or assign shame to another.

The clear message is that rather than loving & valuing herself a woman should only receive praise & love from others & even then her appropriate response should be to deflect not accept the praise.

• ‘Thanks, this outfit is old/was inexpensive or was a guilty extravagance ...’

• ‘Really? Thanks, I think I look a bit fat/thin/tired ....’

• ‘Thanks, I really didn't think it went that well, I didn't express myself well/do as well as I could…’

But the truth is if we depend on the love, the judgement, the approval of others to be able to find & experience our own worth, we are always on an unstable base. This can never be a space of safety because what is given can be easily & quickly taken away.

This outsourcing of approval is as alive today as it ever was. This story that we can only find our worth in the approval of others is passed down generation to generation & the impact of this need to find that secure base of love & approval from within is palpable.

I know truthfully, no matter what I achieved, the fear of judgement, of being perceived as vain, selfish or self-obsessed meant that for most of my life I struggled to love myself & it has been my own journey to step into a space where I can comfortably & confidently approve of & love myself that has led me to learn all the holistic therapies & mindset work that form the core of support I offer.

When we are unable to love & approve of ourselves, it affects us mind, body & soul - we are disconnected from our sense of self

• We find ourselves policing ourselves - our image, our words, our actions – self-judging, even self-sabotaging, as a way to avoid the disapproval of others

• We try to be selflessness, people pleasing as a way of accumulating self-esteem through the praise & approval of others

• We become emotionally reactive – our mood, our very emotional world is determined by the responses of others & every interaction has the potential to overwhelm us with feelings of shame guilt & anxiety

• The cacophony of reactivity pins our nervous system in a state of constant alert & we struggle to hear our own inner voice – our intuition & inner guidance – & we are vulnerable to negative influences

• We are so busy tuning to the needs & opinions of others that we can struggle to make decisions, even when they are in our own best interest.

The range of tools I use within my holistic therapies have been accumulated tried & tested as part of my own self-help journey & they are blended to guide us back towards a safe & secure relationship with ourselves.  

A relationship that grounded in feeling

• connected, so we respond to ourselves like the tender presence of a parent who loves & values us simply because we are ourselves

• safe to articulate what we need & how we feel without feeling shame, guilt or pulsing anxiety

• grounded where we can feel & experience our emotions without finding ourselves feeling overwhelmed or numbed

As part of https://lbrucetherapies.com I love to open up

• the stories - social, cultural & familial - that we hold about ourselves & the values & beliefs that lie beneath so we can explore the ways these may be skewing our sense of self & our ability to value ourselves?

• to offer a bespoke range of holistic tools that help us to build a more authentic & connected relationship with ourselves

This Easter my deepest desire is that you feel empowered to find love & worth within yourself & that you feel so confident that if you hear the words ‘She really loves herself’ you can say ‘Yes, I do, great isn’t it, shall I show you how so you can do it too’

Warm Wordy hugs

Laura xx