Prioritise the pause: why harder faster more more more belongs only in the bedroom

‘Harder faster more more more’.

A very lovely, irreverently un-pc trainer on some training I attended said ‘these are terms that really only belong in the bedroom & yet we bring them to our working lives every day with the patriarchal cult of productivity.

Yup, it had everyone on the training sit up, giggle & then pause to reflect.

Whether it’s struggling to be the best Mum, the best partner or the best employee we can be, all too often we always seem to be in an internal competition with ourselves to try harder, to be better, to do more, more, more.

Speeding through chores so we can be the mythical fantastically present parent who is there always creating exciting memories for our kids.

Working on ourselves - diets, facials & fillers - trying to look as young & fresh as we can so we can have our partner look at us with the eyes that first fell in love.

Multitasking at work in the struggle to meet performance standards & hopefully accumulate praise.

& if we’re a Mum, partner & employee anything we might want or need just for ourselves, well that just gets wedged into the slivers of time in-between our driven need to perform & be the best for others.

& yet our kids are likely to tell us that their standout moments were actually moments spent cuddled on the sofa reading or watching a movie or times when we got down & played with them like a kid ourselves.

Our deepest loving connections are often in the moments when we feel grumpy, exhausted & unheard & our partner makes a cuppa & says ‘I’m listening’?

& the boss may want more, more, more productivity but our clients will talk about the quality time we gave them that allowed them feel heard.

What these moments all have in common is connection – physical & emotional connection.

Connection is not achieved through speed, surface or productivity.

Connection asks us to pause & to notice & savour the moment – the loving touch, the listening ear, the experience of being seen. 

Connection is vital in creating & sustaining emotional resonance both with others & within ourselves.

The hug we share with our partner or the cuddle we share with our child builds limbic resonance.

You know the feeling when someone negative enters the room & you feel their vibe affecting you & you suddenly start feeling negative too? 

That’s limbic resonance – we actually experience others in our nervous system.

This resonance works with positive emotions too – when we hug our emotions & our very physiological states begin to mirror each other – our heart rate, our blood pressure & our breathing begins to synch & afterwards our bodies hold on to this memory of connection.

That’s why those moments of shared hugging or cuddles on the sofa stay with us – they become part of our limbic memories imprinted within our nervous system, connection witnessed within our bodies.

Even the self-hug, taking a moment to check in with ourselves & say ‘Hey, you’re OK, you got this’ allows our mind & our heart to synchronise, telling our nervous system that we are safe.

In a world of patriarchal productivity & the endless pressure to try harder, to work faster & do more, more, more the best thing we can do for ourselves & for our loved ones is to remember to prioritise the pause, to seek out moments to connect & ground ourselves in limbic resonance because these are the memories that sustain & energise us – the memories that will remain

Warmest of wordy hugs

Laura xx