Genograms - a family tree with feelings

Today I want to explore the concept of a genogram, a tool I use in my coaching support. The concept of a genogram may be unfamiliar but I like to call it a family tree with feelings.

Now I love programmes like Who Do You Think You Are & the ways that they use a family tree to delve back into history opening up a family history to unravel or even uncover stories that may have been handed down or forgotten & a genogram gives us similar kinds of opportunities to explore ourselves through the lens of  our historical context so we can frame & reframe the ways that our experience as part of our family feeds into the ways we understand & respond to our life & our interpersonal relationships today.

Genograms were first devised by a psychologist called Murrey Bowen in the 1970s & they were first used to help explore relationships in family therapy but over the years their use has expanded & they are now a helpful used in fields as broad as social work, medicine, psychiatry & psychology & in genetic research.

They are helpful when we may want to build pictures of networks of support a family may be able to access; behaviour patterns that may be impacting on family relationships & even the history & hereditary nature of illness & disease.

They are such a valuable tool when we want to explore the ways we have learned to be the person we are today. We are born into families and learn how to respond to events & process our emotions within our family context. Like sponges we learn how to understand & respond to the world from the responses of those around us.

& like an unfurling map our family today is informed by & formed within the context our upbringing which in turn was informed by the life & experiences of our parents & grandparents. This context affects the way we perceive ourselves & the way we ourselves parent; whether we want to replicate the great experience we had or we want to do the complete opposite to bring change for ourselves & our children. How we respond today is always formed in the context of what we have experienced.

Creating a genogram allows us to create a powerful visual representation of our lived experience that helps us to understand the ways in which our sense of self has been formed & informed by our upbringing & the ways that our relationships & connections may be affecting the way we respond to our relationships & life challenges in the here & now.

It can help us to notice that character traits & ways of relating that we may view as indelibly us - traits we may love about ourselves & also traits we find uncomfortable or even difficult or hard to shift or break - have actually been woven into us within the context of our upbringing.

Recognising the ways our personality & our relationship patterns have been formed & informed offers opportunities to both celebrate those traits we love & to create a little distance from those traits we find less comfortable, placing them in their context in order to offer ourselves a different perspective – reframing what may feel like an uncomfortable part of us as actually a learned response formed & informed by our family context.

& as Alex Howard says ‘When you can see it you don’t have to be it’ The reframe that a genogram can offers opportunities for reflection, understanding, & compassion & ultimately help us with making choices in the ways we relate to ourselves & to our family; creating space for shifts in perspective

So how do you create a genogram?

A genogram is generally focused on three generations of your family tree – your family, your parents & your grandparents. If you are including a partner then bring in their parents & grandparents too. This offers opportunities to explore the ways that patterns, behaviours & traits have developed across generations.

Creating a genogram allows us to build a picture of the social, historical cultural background to our lives & also to open up our understanding of the emotional life of our family through time.

When creating a genogram there are basic symbols generally used to indicate family members. Gender is represented with shapes; age is recorded within this shape & the death of an individual is traditionally recorded with a cross through the shape & their age at death.

 Marriages are represented by a continuous line with children of that relationship positioned under this line _____ while cohabitation a . Separation or divorce are represented with a diagonal line, one for separation    two for divorce //. Close connections & bonds are indicated by close diagonal lines between two or more individuals // while challenges or difficult relationships are represented by jagged lines.

The layering of information that can be added to the genogram can help to draw out a deepening of our understanding of the ways that emotional connections – alliances & disconnections, family dynamics & social, cultural, economic & even historical stressors as well as the rhythms of family life cycles may have affected our family through time: in its behaviours, attitudes & actions.

It can also draw out an understanding of the ways that certain health traits – physical, emotional, psychological & even genetic - may unfold through generations & how these may inform attitudes, behaviours & even parenting styles.

It can draw out the ways gender, class & race may be defined & negotiated through generations as well as they ways that difference is negotiated & accommodated – or not.

It can help us understand what has been valued eg education, occupation & how success &/or failure are defined.

It can help us understand how the family views & defines itself & what stories it holds about itself & its place in the community. This can open up a deeper understanding of aspects of family identity that may be a source of pride or shame.

It can help understand the ways that emotions are expressed & emotional differences are negotiated & resolved – or not.

The lived experience of individuals within families; their individual temperament & experience of parenting creates connections & alliances within families & across generations & this too can affect our sense of self.

Within a genogram, it’s helpful to include any losses including any child deaths, miscarriages & even abortion because these losses can create traumas – even unspoken invisible trauma - within our family that resonate within us, our family & affect our family across time in ways that that may have profound impact on both individual and family wellbeing through generations.

Allowing this story to be present – a story that may be absent in a more traditional family tree or may even be a hidden or repressed story - can offer pertinent detail that helps makes sense of patterns of behaviour that may appear across generations.

A loss could for example be silenced, a family secret that is held unspoken but has created or is creating unspoken tensions that impact on emotional connections. The same loss could equally lead to anxiety & over-protectiveness that can have a significant impact on a parent’s relationship with other children in the family, affecting the ways that they choose to parent the child; a shift which may in turn affect that child in their capacity to develop independence skills & a sense of self; a shift that then later affects their own relationships – with partners, with children & so the tragic event, back in time has creates ripples that are passed down the family tree.

The physical, cultural & socio-economic experiences which may lead to the movement of families within countries & across continents & these will also have a significant impact on the social & emotional fabric of that family across time as it seeks to adjust to a new life & to re-establish a sense of stability & a sense of itself in a new environment. This again will feed down through generations as the values of parents who have made the transition are played out in the new country & context & then passed down becoming modified, contested, challenged & adapted by succeeding generations for whom this migration & transition has become a story – part of family history to be assimilated & accommodated.

It is also important also to record health issues within families across generations & to notice the ways that health issues have been held by different generations & perceived within the family & its immediate & wider community & society eg mental illness or physical/congenital disability have been managed differently through time & this will have emotional resonances that travel through generations.

It is helpful to add a key at the side of your genogram as this will help draw out the ways that historical, cultural & social factors as well as health issues may have affected different family members & also the ways that different family connections & ruptures may have informed behaviours across generations. You can choose different codes & colours to indicate physical & psychological conditions & different symbols to represent emotional alliances, connections & ruptures.

So how do genograms work in practice?

To see how a genogram can open up information let’s consider an imagined genogram that offers some ideas of how a theoretical family’s lived experience may be impacting on relationships & emotional wellbeing.

So it is based on a couple aged 38 & 40 who have children aged 10, 5, 3 & 1. The woman in the couple has ongoing difficulties in her relationship with her Mum. She did have a very close relationship with her Dad but he passed away when she was a teenager. Her partner has a very close relationship with his Mum but had had a difficult relationship with his Dad who has recently passed away.

So both partners are living with trauma of the loss of a parent – one is still grieving the loss of a Dad who had been a stabilising influence in her life while the other has been overwhelmed by more recent grief that holds raw feelings around the loss of opportunities to develop a more healthy connection & uncomfortable feelings of frustration & anger at his father alongside feelings of loss.

Both are trying to hold all of these complex feelings because they have 4 children under 10 that they need & want to be present for. They are really motivated by the desire to be ‘good’ parents & so they are trying to rise above & even push aside all of the overwhelm they may be experiencing in order to stay positive, proactive & engaged.

But the strain & challenge of the recent bereavement is showing in the Mum’s relationship with her daughter who is moving towards puberty & getting more challenging. She seems to have a much better relationship with the other children – all boys - & her daughter feels even more frustrated because she feels she is getting all the flack because she is a girl. The fact that her Mum is particularly close with her nearest sibling is particularly triggering for her because she always felt a bit ‘replaced’ by him when this brother came along as the new baby taking her cot & her toys. She’s always been told she’s being ridiculous & that ‘everyone is loved equally’.

Because the Mum in this family doesn’t have a great relationship with her own Mum who really struggled with her during her own teenage years – a crisis point for both of them because this was when her Dad died - she doesn’t feel like she has a healthy model on how to parent teenagers & she doesn’t feel like she can even ask her Mum for support with  understanding or managing her daughter’s behaviour now because her it’s clear her Mum see’s this challenging pre-teen as a replica of her & she is always telling her ’Now you see what I had to deal with’.

She is however lucky because she does have a great relationship with her partner’s Mum who is always full of calm & wise advice. This grandmother also has a good relationship with her granddaughter & she’s a real stabilising influence for everyone, but she is getting older & she has recently lost her husband, so she is struggling to hold everyone’s needs whilst also taking care of herself.

To add to this moment of family crisis the baby in the family is approaching his first birthday & this is triggering unspoken anxiety for the woman because she knows her Mum lost her elder brother at the same age. No one speaks about this lost brother -it seen as so long ago now, but he is always present as a silent shadow of grief.

As may be clear the family is currently a tinderbox of spoken & unspoken grief & also histories of difficult family relationships that are consciously & unconsciously playing out in their current family life.

These challenges are placing increasing pressure on daily life within their nuclear family no matter how much the parents have loving intention to be ‘good’ parents to their children. The couple are committed to each other & their children & they really want to work through the challenges they are experiencing.

If they want to really reach for sustained & sustainable change as they navigate this difficult moment in their family life cycle they could open up to understanding the ways that:

Gender is affecting relationships – The Mum is aware of her difficult relationship with her own Mum & it may help her to deepen her understanding of the challenges she is experiencing with her own daughter if she is able to notice & explore the ways that she may be unconsciously replicating this relationship with her Mum & also the ways that her daughter’s rebelliousness may be triggering her feelings about her own experience at the same age eg did she have to crush down feelings of rebelliousness because her Mum couldn’t cope & seeing her daughter able to articulate these feelings & behaviours triggers anger at what she couldn’t express.

This dynamic between Mum & daughter may be the most obvious but there may be other layers around gender bias within family connections going on that may be less visible. When it comes to patterns of connection within the family the Mum may be entirely unaware that she is repeating a pattern that her Mum had of being closer with her sons than with her. She was closer with her Dad & growing up with Mum & son connection being easier was her lived experience so it may just feel natural & unconscious & her daughter now pointing this unconscious bias out may trigger suppressed feelings of resentment from her own childhood that she needs to hold & process so she can meet her daughter’s feelings as a parent rather from the perspective of her own inner teenager.

This unevenness in emotional connection within the family may also be be invisible to the Dad. In the most immediate level he may be preoccupied by his own grief but beneath this he has a good relationship with his own Mum & a difficult relationship with his Dad & so seeing his partner with a good relationship with their sons reflects his own relationship &  may feel good & healing to the rift he had. He is very mindful of trying to be the Dad he didn’t have & seeing his wife consolidating his building his boys resilience may somewhat blind him to the ways his daughter may be missing out. As he works through his grief & seeking to heal the wounds of his own relationship with his father, it may help him to become more aware of the unevenness in family connection & he can work along with his partner to ensure that they are bringing loving parent to each child as an individual.

Difficulties with discussing feelings is affecting relationships – They are a family who believe in the importance of connection & being emotionally available but as they look at their genogram they begin to notice that feelings towards the challenges & conflict they experienced in their own childhood family relationships were not really discussed in their families. When they were young the prevailing viewpoint was that the conflict was the conflict, least said soonest mended & upset was something you just had to get on with & get over.

Both parents have a strong desire to communicate more effectively & healing through this family pressure, but they are not as emotionally attuned & articulate as they might want to so that they can feel fully equipped to take on this challenge.

To really strengthen their capacity to manage difficult conversations within their family both partners may want to unpack & understand their own unmet emotional needs so they can learn to communicate more effectively with their children. As they learn to communicate about emotions more effectively within their own family this will support their children in managing their own future relationships more effectively, including their relationships with their own children. It may feel like a crisis point but it is also an opportunity to break what has been a generational script on how families communicate.

Bereavement can have a lingering impact & trauma can be passed down through generations – The woman in this relationship has been affected by the loss of both her Dad & a sibling at a young age but these two losses also led to constriction, tension & a loss of possibilities within her relationship with her Mum & this is another area of grief. In a family where emotions were not discussed, all of this trauma which happened decades previously may be pushed under the carpet & repressed at the time & it probably feels like history now but it is in fact very much alive within family relationships in the present & as her youngest son grows reaches one & grows through his second year it is possible that memories of her lost sibling may arise uncomfortably within the broader atmosphere of grief over the recently lost grandparent & this may feel unfamiliar & disconcerting without an understanding of how trauma lives within us across generations & may recur when certain triggers are pressed if it has been left unheard & unheld.

These are just some of the layers that can be pulled out from a genogram that can help unpick the difficulties that an individual or a family may be experiencing in the immediate term, help them to reach a deeper & more nuance understanding of what is underpinning the current crisis so they can work towards creating sustained change moving forwards.

Creating your own genogram

If this has inspired you to create your genogram get a large sheet of paper - A3 or even A2 & get creative. Map out 3 generations – your family; your parents & grandparents using shapes to signify family members & lines to mark connections – marriages, partnerships, siblings, children etc.

Think about the history of your family over these three generations. Has your family stayed in the same place, or have they migrated – within the country or into the country – How was this negotiated? How did it affect family relationships through generations eg first, second & third generation can have very different experience of living in this new environment & this can feed back into family relationships.

Have there been any significant changes in class eg education leading to shift towards middle-class or a sudden loss of income affecting social status? How was this experienced & how does this affect your relationship with education, status & money?

Have there been any traumatic losses - bereavements or relationship breakdowns? How was this held & experienced within the family?

Think also about connections & personality clashes. Who has a close relationship & who has more conflict? How is conflict resolved? How are emotions expressed & how open do family members feel able to be with each other?

Does anyone have a similar character? How does seeming to be so similar to this other person affect how they are perceived & the expectations that are held for them. Whether positive or negative, if someone is seen as just like someone else it can influence the way they are perceived & held within the family. It can affect the way that they respond to parenting & even the way they respond in life – being expected to be a rebel, a success or failure can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

When creating your genogram think about health traits that are common across generations? Did a health trait in your childhood trigger particular behaviours & responses in your parents? Does a health trait in one of your own children if you have the, trigger any thoughts or feelings for you or your partner if you have one?

Do you notice any similarities in the responses you have to life cycle event with those of previous generations responses or do you think you respond differently?

How have gender roles been defined in your family? How does this feel & has it influenced your choices & life journey?

Do you notice any stories that your family holds about itself – about its position in the community? About the ways that members relate to eachother?

What are you finding out about yourself that feels unexpected or new & how does this make you feel?

If you would like to know more about how you can use genograms then do contact me laura@lbrucetherapies.com.

Warm wordy hugs

Laura xx