Become fluent in the language self-love to illuminate your journey into self-connection

I’m going to close this month of reflections on love language by reaching into the core of love language – how we love ourselves.

Because the truth is its very hard to love or be loved by someone else when you are coming from a place where you simply don’t love yourself.

Too often you will be aching to fill a void within & looking for love in all the wrong places & then confirming to yourself the deepest fear you have – that somehow you are not lovable at all.

Whether you are externalising the issue – that it’s the fault of the lovers you found & somewhere out there is that mystical one who can give you the love you need

Or you are internalising – believing that you cannot & will not ever find the love you need because of some inherent fault in you

All of the time that you are looking for love to fill that gaping hole where self-love should be you really are on a losing game.

But when we are thinking about love languages, do we even really think about the love language we speak to ourselves?

• The very idea of communicating lovingly with ourselves may feel alien if we never heard or witnessed our parents show love to themselves or us.  

• We may have absorbed stories & had experiences that make us feel unlovable in & of ourselves.  

• We may have grown up with the clear idea & instruction that love is something that we give and/or receive rather than something that we can or should give to ourselves.

And the plain truth is that, as women, our historical & cultural roles have often all too often psychologically separated us from the very idea of giving love to ourselves.

• Historically we have been valued for our acts of service towards the needs of others & so we can view putting ourselves or our own needs first as selfish.

• We are so often the ones who organise gift-giving within families, devoting our time & emotional energy into knowing what others like so we can find, wrap & give the perfect gift but making time & spending money on gifts can feel like guilty self-indulgence.

• Our time is often heavily invested in ensuring that others’ lives are running smoothly.

• If we grew up in households where time was a commodity & work - both employment & caring for the family needs - was prioritised over leisure, then making space for quality time just for ourselves can feel like depriving others of our time & attention.

• We share the pleasure of physical touch with a partner or through the physical care & attention we give to our children, but we may feel entirely divorced psychologically from the very idea that loving touch might be something we can give to ourselves.

• We may shower others with praise & reassurance but struggle to praise ourselves – we may have absorbed the story that the very idea of self-praise should be stringently rejected as an act of vanity – I was always told self-praise is no praise so being able to say Well done Laura, good job has been a journey.

So often the messages we’ve received & the busy lives we lead make communicating lovingly with ourselves in whatever love language feel frivolous & indulgent but if we don’t know how to love ourselves how can we receive love or show our children what love should looks & feels like?

Knowing how to love ourselves is fundamental so how can we learn to communicate with ourselves in the love languages we need to hear?

To explore the love languages that speak to you take the time to treat yourself like a cherished child, treat yourself, experiment, indulge & pamper yourself, allow yourself to embrace & explore each of the love languages & notice how they feel?

Which are the ones that blossom those warm feelings inside that make you just smile & feel safe?

Remember through the love language that we use to communicate with ourselves we

• remind ourselves we are worthy & deserving of love

• teach others how to love & value us

• build & create the stories around love that we give to our children. The love that we are able to conspicuously show ourselves teaches our children how to love & value themselves & shows them all the ways that they can give love to & receive love from others.

So lets set aside guilt & reclaim or begin to explore our fluency in the languages of love we can give to ourselves.

• When it comes to giving acts of service remember you just can’t pour from an empty cup. Each small acts of service we give ourselves helps replenish & restore us, balancing our emotional & physical energies. It arouses within us a powerful sense of our presence & our value in the world & expands our capacity to feel brave & confident enough to make conscious choices around communicating our needs with loved ones & holding & sustaining boundaries when we feel our needs are being compromised.
  

• Small thoughtful gifts we may give ourselves remind us of our own value & if we chose to give ourselves purposeful gifts for example investing in our learning, skills & growth this begins to embed self-knowledge & layers of self-esteem that are hard to erode. With this strengthening sense of inner confidence, we can feel more confident in asking for what we need & step away from whose who may shower us with gifts or compliments whist also seeking to undermine us.
  

• Allowing ourselves space to enjoy quality time lets us know that we are worthy of care & attention & gives us emotional space to explore our inner world - decluttering our thoughts, values & beliefs & so we to decide what still fits & what may need to go.
  

• Learning to enjoy the experience of the sensation of touch on our bodies whether this is a massage/self-massage or even the feel of a favourite fabric on our skin can help us learn to value the physical presence of our bodies, establishing a connected space where we can begin to notice, understand & release trapped emotions that may have been blocking our very sense of self
  

• Becoming comfortable with giving ourselves meaningful words of affirmation helps us to build deep foundations in our capacity to value ourselves. As we increasingly strengthen our self-esteem & confidence we reach deeper into self-connection & teach ourselves how to understand & be clear about who we are what we want & need & we become attuned to the rhythms & sensory experience of our emotional world.

When we explore how different love languages feel within us, we embed a deepening awareness of ourselves & a self-understanding that allows us to feel empowered & more able to communicate our needs with partners & loved ones.

Knowing & loving ourselves can even be the gift that helps us find the courage & inner resources to walk away from relationships that are not meeting our needs or may even be toxic.

So, how do you let yourself know you are loved?

So often those areas we find hardest to speak to ourselves with love are the places & spaces where we felt an emptiness & lack of attunement when we were children.

Learning to become fluent in loving ourselves is a journey into self-understanding.

It can be hard-wrought but it is always profoundly healing & each & every day it is a journey that bears more fruit as you grow in confidence learning how to holding yourself lovingly through life’s ups & downs in ways that once upon a time might have seemed was a dream.

Learning to love yourself for yourself, the woman you are with all your quirks foibles & yes what you may perceive as flaws is always the key. Let your languages of self-love lead the way.

So many wordy hugs

Laura xx